How to Help Your Toddler Adjust to New Baby

Welcoming another child is one of the best long term gifts that you can give your child, however there is always an adjustment period and it will probably take some planning to help your toddler adjust to the new baby.

I was pleasantly surprised with how well my toddler adjusted to the role of “big sister” after her brother was born. Our baby is five months old now, so I thought it would be a good time to share everything I did to prepare my toddler for our new baby.

Prepare Your Toddler for the New Baby Before the Birth

Preparation is huge with toddlers. If there’s one thing I’ve learned being a mom, it’s that when I talk to my toddler ahead of time and explain the “plan” to her, the adjustment time goes much smoother. Preparation is actually my number one “hack” recommendation to parents who are having a hard time with their toddlers and transitions. Explain everything in details ahead of time so that your toddler knows exactly what to expect as they adjust to the new baby.

Here are some things to guide you as you help prepare your toddler for the new baby before the birth.

Read books about pregnancy and birth

I had a homebirth, so I got this book and this book to help my daughter understand the process of labor and birth and what that would look like. I think this laid a solid foundation and helped her understand what was happening to my belly as it grew, why her sibling was in my belly, how the baby would be born, etc. I’m really big on normalizing birth to my kids and it also helped them connect the dots on how the baby would be in my tummy one day and in my arms the next day.

Allow them to be part of your prenatal care and birth when possible

Involving your toddler in your prenatal care can help them feel bonded and close to the baby during your pregnancy. Not everyone is having a homebirth, but I do believe that homebirth actually makes the adjustment to having a new baby a lot easier for them. It allows your toddler to be apart of your labor and birth and have the intimate family bonding that takes place in the immediate hours after birth. Imagine being a toddler and your parents leave for 2-3 days and then come back home with a third person (the baby) who gets a lot of attention from them. Of course children are very adaptable so you can definitely prepare them for this big change and for a hospital birth. However, one of the reasons that I personally loved my homebirth was because it allowed my toddler to watch the process happen and be apart of our family bonding immediately after birth.

Read books about having a new baby

Books are a great way to help your toddler learn what to expect after the new baby arrives! Similar to reading books about birth, this will allow your toddler to see what it’s like to have a new baby and what they can expect!

Talk about what they were like as a baby and what to expect the baby to do

If your toddler has not been around many new babies, they probably have no idea what to expect. What do babies do? Why do babies cry? It can help to talk about these things before hand and to also talk about when your toddler was a baby. What were they like? Maybe look at some pictures of when they were a baby too. Talk about what the new baby might look like and dream about how they’ll play together.

Get new routines set up before the baby arrives

Having a new baby is a huge transition, so it’s better to avoid any other transitions during this sensitive time. I recommend getting any new routines, like potty training, moving to a new bed, etc, established BEFORE the baby arrives. This will help things go as smoothly as possible after your birth!

Help Your Toddler Adjust to New Baby After the Birth

Normalize feelings of jealousy or sadness as they come and acknowledge all their feelings

It’s to be expected that your toddler may have a tough transition after the new baby arrives. This is normal and completely developmentally appropriate. If I noticed these feelings arising in my toddler, I did my best to normalize them for her so they didn’t take her by surprise. I would say something like “It’s totally normal for you to be feeling like this because I’m holding the baby a lot and you probably want to be held some too, right? I think a lot of toddlers feel this way after they get a new baby. It’s okay to feel sad or to want me to hold you a lot. I love you and I’m always here for you whenever you feel angry or sad.”

This bonded us closer together and helped build trust that all of her feelings and emotions were safe with me.

Remind them that there is plenty of love for everyone and the baby doesn’t steal any of your love

Obviously WE know that our love is an endless resource that can infinitely grow and never runs out. But our toddlers don’t necessarily know that, so the birth of a new baby who is suddenly getting a lot of affection can be pretty disorienting to them. I think it’s really important to be reminding your toddler how much you love them and how the baby didn’t steal any of your love away from them.

Here is what I would tell my toddler to give her a visual illustration of my love for her and her new baby brother.
“In my heart, I have four pockets. In each pocket, there is so much love for everyone in our family. I have a pocket full of love for Elowyn, because you’re my little girl. I have a pocket full of love for Rowan because he’s my little boy. I have a pocket full of love for daddy. And I have a pocket full of love for myself. There is so much love in our family!”

This really helped my toddler understand that no love gets taken away from her for the new baby – she still has all of my love AND my love keeps growing for the new baby too.

Try to spend a little one-on-one time with them everyday

This can be tough in the first couple weeks, so show yourself lots of grace. But even if it’s just reading some books together while baby naps, try to set aside some special one-on-one time to have with your toddler everyday!

Give lots of physical affection to them when you can

Watching you hold the baby all then time might be hard for your toddler, so be sure to remember to intentionally give lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles to your toddler when you can!

Allow them to explore the baby in their own time with no pressure

Of course we want our toddler to be excited to meet their new sibling, but I would try to not put expectations on them or pressure them to interact with the new baby in any way if they don’t want to. If they aren’t feeling up to interacting with the baby in the way we think they should, our toddlers might feel like they’re disappointing us when they don’t meet the expectation. This puts unnecessary pressure on them and could cause them to become frustrated more easily!

Offer for them to help care for the baby if they want to

On the opposite side of my last point, I do think it’s good to try to include your toddler in caring for the baby if they want to be included! Walk your toddler through how you take care of the baby and offer to let them help with small tasks if they seem interested in that.

Limit how often you warn them to “be careful!!” around the baby

There is a careful balance to this – of course we don’t want our newborn to get hurt and we want to teach our toddler to be gentle! However, I think there is a balance between letting our toddler be too rough and being a little TOO over-cautious to where it makes our toddler get frustrated. Saying “be careful! be careful! be careful!” over and over again to our toddler isn’t really helpful feedback and will most likely discourage and frustrate them. Try offering more constructive feedback like “try touching baby like this” or “let’s sit down next to the baby instead of bouncing by him.” This helps your toddler know what IS expected of them and what they can do to interact with the baby in a safe way.

Consider giving them their own baby doll to help care for while you’re caring for the baby

Whether your toddler is a son or daughter, they will love having a doll to practice caring for while they watch you take care of the baby. My toddler will look up at me holding her brother, and adjust how she’s holding her baby to copy me. She will nurse her baby, change her baby, and takes her baby everywhere with her. It’s incredible and so precious to model to them how to interact with a baby!

Consider having some special toys that are just for them to use while you’re nursing the baby

If your toddler has recently weaned (and even maybe not recently), it can be really tough for them to watch you nurse the new baby. In order to not cause resentment, consider having a special box of little toys or activities that are only played with during nursing time! This can keep things fun and exciting and hopefully help prevent resentment from developing.

Tips for the Adjustment Period

-If possible, have one parent dedicated to your toddler’s care for most of the day. This allows you time to bond with baby and recover in bed. It also helps your toddler to stay active and have bonding with one parent. If not possible, schedule something fun with a family friend or grandparent for your toddler to do.

-Expect that your toddler may have a hard time. This has been a huge change in their life and it could take months for them to adjust. Show lots of grace to both yourself and your toddler!

Other Articles You Might Enjoy:

• How to Prepare Your Toddler for Your Homebirth
• Respectful Parenting: How to Parent with Consent
• How to Night Wean a Co-Sleeping Toddler

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